May 2009
“Memorization, for me, is the key to confidence.”
– Vicky
April 2009
The Dean Rev. Dave Jones is a cool guy.
I have been trying all day to write an email that didn’t reek with condescension and that ended with something more revelatory than “wash your hands and cover your mouth when you sneeze.”
I have thus-far failed to do so. Members of our community have been communicating throughout the day to represent that we should let you know that we are continuing to observe the Swine Flu situation,
So...
“It’s surprising… I wonder if there are any bubble tea related...”
– Anthony Bourdain. I wonder the same thing myself.
“…and other go-fast gear.”
– What I need. The Challenger. http://editorial.autos.msn.com/listarticle.aspx?cp-documentid=1019552&page=2&topart=newcarresearch
Hobo sitting on bench: Hey man, wanna buy some soap?
Yuppie: Nah... (walks away)
Hobo: Ma'am, would you care for some shoes?
JAP: Hell, naw. (walks away)
Hobo: Hey fella, want to buy some peanut butter?
Old Asian guy, happily: Yes, please!
Hobo: I'm sorry, brother, I don't have any on me. I just wanted to do some product research for a project I'm doing. (pulls out a roll of toilet paper and a sharpie, rips out one square of toilet paper, and writes "peanut butter")
--23rd St
Indian hipster on cell: Yeah, man, no worries. I want to see you guys. I'll definitely finagle my way uptown somehow.
Crazy hobo, jumping alongside hipster: Yeah! You gotta finagle! How else would you get there? Finagle, man, you gotta finagle!
--Bowery & Broome
Which Also Would Be a Pretty Awesome Band Name
Girlfriend: Spanish art is so weird.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Those were some macabre motherfuckers.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
“There’s so much fucking love, we should just buy a llama and it’ll...”
– Drunk chick overheard on W 4th St. Overheardinnewyork
“Why do they call it frozen yogurt anyway?
It’s not like it’s made...”
– Jamie….years ago at the race track.
A classic running joke
Overheard Everywhere is on Fire
Large middle-aged man with many teddy bears strapped to his fanny pack: Have you seen the penis worm?
Smithsonian Museum of Natural History
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Hadn't seen it
Last Time, the Gods Were Not Happy When We...
Ditzy girl: I was so scared! Like, really, really scared. I was like: "please be a virgin, please be a virgin!"
Eugene, Oregon
...Henceforth You Shall Be Dubbed "Boring Betty"
Professor, to newbie class: So...let's start with everyone telling me a secret about themselves so I can try and remember your names. You (pointing to student) start.
Student, tentatively: Ummm...I eat cold spaghetti in the morning?
Professor: Ewww! Fantastic.
University of Zurich
Switzerland
Overheard by: Stephanie
What would you say?
Um, This Is Applebee's.
Intercom: The store will be closing in 15 minutes. Please bring your purchases to the front of the store to the check-out line. We hope you enjoyed your shopping experience. Thank you for shopping at K-Mart... Shit, I mean "Wal-Mart."
Wal-Mart
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Caitlin
This made my week. Serriously if you haven't seen... →
Best Comeback Eva
Me: 3Oh!3 is at 10%...
Amy: Your face is at 10%!
Me: Dude, well if I look this good at 10%.......
“You’ll be allright.”
– Kind words.
tsunamidriveby: god the clouds are rolling in like rhinocerous chasing a spring morning
Ryder del Fin: wow
Ryder del Fin: amazing!
tsunamidriveby: lmao
tsunamidriveby: it's beautiful!
tsunamidriveby: they're chasing away the butterflies.
Improving the Everyday: 8 Useful Objects that Need...
“We are ready for a well-designed, simple and sexy clothesline worthy of both front and back yard. It could be really sculptural, or it could disappear altogether. Instead of offending the neighbors, it should inspire envy (and help eliminate the need for the nasty gas/electric dryer).”
— Fritz Haeg, designer, artist and environmental activist
Clothesline © Fast...
No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…
Grocery Store | Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
(This happened on my first day of the job.)
Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”
Customer: “Take off your glasses.”
Me: “Pardon?”
Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”
Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”
Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”
Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”
Customer: “All right, ring these up.”
(Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)
Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”
Me: “I know, let me just–”
Customer: Peaches, come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”
Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”
Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”
(He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)
Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”
Me: “…”
http: //notalwaysright.com/
“You can’t just leave bubble wrap sitting out!”
– Mikey Smalls. True stroy.
All dogs go to heaven. →
“A very attractive person has a message for you.”
– My fortune from Chinese delivery. The fortune fails to define several key elements, leaving a vast amount of the possibilities to be not in my favor. One that would be in my favor: Vicky’s prediction of Brendon Urie showing up with a sign that says “Fuck Me.”
“You will move to a happy new home within the month.”
– Jamie’s fortune, probably one of the best ever.
“Fuck you!”
– To which the correct comeback should always be “As hard as you want.”
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Nooooooooo! It dripped on my hand!
Vicky: That's what she said.....
http://baltimore.craigslist.org/mis/1126437825.html... →
“Topping the list are notably more expensive, limited-edition premium cars with...”
– http://editorial.autos.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=999665&page=2&topart=sports
Because I love hot cars.
Subject: SEND ME YOUR COURSES NOW DAMMIT!!!:...
From: Dr. Dean Bethea [bethead@centenarycollege.edu]
To: “AFC1001Q-FA08”
Only SIX of you have given me courses. If I am still your advisor and you don’t want to be taking courses at 6 in the morning in the fall YOU HAD BETTER SEND ME A LIST OF COURSES TONIGHT.
MY GOD DO YOU THINK THIS IS ROMPER ROOM? KINDERGARTEN? DO I LOOK LIKE BIG BIRD BERT N ERNIE OR TICKLE ME ELMO TO...
“Never give a child a sword.”
– Latin Proverb
“Guaranteed squirrel-proof.”
– Today’s Phrase that Pays of the Day.
Pirates with U.S. hostage facing warship →
“Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated,...”
– fmylife.com
Grammar is important.
“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make...”
– Andy Rooney
